She talks to
me but the voice casts
no words, just
spinning the
same sounds over and over
without an ending.
All at once
she disintegrates,
becomes air,
a shadow
overlapping itself with
illumination.
She seems lost
in a space beyond
time—alone
she dances,
an untamed ocean dazzling
color into light.
Bjorn has asked us at dVerse to try changing our point of view–I took a poem from 2018 written in first person and became the observer, watching the original narrator and attempting to describe what I saw. I think I observe situations and animals or landscapes in poems sometimes, but not often actual people, because it definitely felt awkward. Still, I think I managed to keep the original feeling.
You can see the first version of this poem here.
K. 
As poets we observe and report and comment. You shifting to observer works fine; I liked it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Glenn. That’s a good description of a poet’s work.
LikeLike
I can see her dancing, Kerfe. Lovely!
LikeLike
Beautiful visuals! This sounds like a marvelous dream, where these experiences happen frequently.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Jade. I wouldn’t mind dreams that looked like this!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome, K.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Changing point of view is a good exercise, allowing us to explore alternatives and sharpen our powers of observation. I think the shift from first to third person works well, Kerfe, and you have retained the original feeling. Once you’re out of your comfort zone, it’s easier to do it again.
I love the phrase ‘the voice casts no words’ and the overall effect of sound and movement in the poem.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Kim. It’s definitely good to try different things. Even if you don’t repeat the exercise, it’s bound to influence what you do in the future.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The shift in perspective is interesting. I think the 3rd person version feels lighter, maybe because there’s just a shade less emotional intensity. I like the shifting images, like broken reflections in moving water, or shadow patterns.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Sarah. I think you are right about the lightness, but I’m still undecided about which version I prefer.
LikeLike
It doesn’t feel awkward at all. There is definitely a different feeling to it–dreamier, like you’re experiencing a ghost vision. I like it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Merrill. They are definitely different, but I’m still not sure how I feel in comparing them. They do both complement the image though which is an important aspect of what I try to do.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think this underscores how remote the moon is. While we may feel its pull and let it affect our emotions, it’s still well out of reach.
LikeLike
Seeing yourself sometimes is easier trying to do it with an outside perspective. You did well
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Bjorn.
LikeLike
Especially like the wordless speakings. So hard to understand
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks. I find most things are (hard to understand)
LikeLike