My emotional distances keep expanding. They measure every room I enter, every landscape that passes through my eyes. The center swims increasingly away from the edges of my being. The gap is great and undefined.
Shadowshapes of figures frame the shore. Hands cast their lines into my depths, searching for a reflection, fishing for a response to their repeated inquiries.
How long can I stay afloat? The gravity of this world exhausts me. Sometimes the great bones of my life feel so heavy, so incomplete. I have forgotten it–the one key to survival that is unnecessary but crucial.
I’m trying to recall the images that connect to my lingering feelings of kinship The light flickers, attempts to enter, but my eyes refuse it. They look sentient, but they are no longer open for business. Closed, the sign says. Can’t you read it?—“CLOSED”.
For the dVerse Prosery, Linda has selected a line from Mary Oliver: Sometimes the great bones of my life feel so heavy, from her poem “Spring Azures”.
K. 
Is there truly desperation of we continue to seek resolve?
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Thats an interesting question. Even one tiny opening can give hope.
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The fragmentation and dissolution as the self collapses into itself — becoming sphinx-like to others when there’s just simple disaffection —– Brilliant, Kerfe.
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Thanks Dora. Luckily most of us eventually allow ourselves to be pulled back.
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This is very intense, Kerfe. A turbulent and frightening description of a spirit that has lost its way.
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Thanks Robbie. It was definitely a low point, but I’ve bounced back.
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I am glad to know that, Kerfe. I did think this might be based on personal experience.
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Closing the eyes and meditating helps. 😊❤
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It does. As does the passage of time, such as it is right now.
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I can really relate to this, Kerfe: ‘The gravity of this world exhausts me.’ Me too! I try not to let it, but sometimes it still does.
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Thanks Ingrid. The original of this was written during one of my low pandemic points. Interestingly, my writing of that time reveals what I have already chosen to consciously forget.
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This is such a deep but relatable piece, Kerfe. I know that vertiginous feeling when the ‘center swims increasingly away from the edges of my being’ and being exhausted by the gravity of this world.
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Thanks Kim. I have not often felt this way, but even once is enough. (K)
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This sounds like the final disconnection. They are all so tenuous, and when they light or the electricity fails, it’s so hard to pick them up again. I can feel the desperate floundering in this.
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Thanks Jane. When I wrote the original of this it was in the middle of lockdown–looking back, I must have been feeling much worse than even I remember it. There’s a whole series with a similar feel.
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Then you must have been going through a bad/realistic patch. If it’s better, even by a little, that’s good news.
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I didn’t realize just how bad I felt at the time. But looking back at those pages of writing, I see how far I’ve come.
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I’m glad. You didn’t let on. There’s always a dark side and the fact that you wrote about it didn’t necessarily indicate that you couldn’t see the other side. I’m glad you can now.
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Writing about it probably kept it from taking over. It gives me new respect for writing every day without judgement.
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I write every day but I’m finding at the moment that there’s too much on my mind to concentrate on much. The less I write the harder it gets to settle to anything.
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I’m not writing a lot now either. Time seems to be compressed, the day is over almost before it begins.
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All my adult life I’ve worried about money and the lack of it. I assumed I’d be over it but it’s just as bad. I don’t want to be told anymore that writing is its own reward. You have to be in a comfortable position to believe that.
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I know. I dont think its possible for most people to stop worrying about money.
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The people in my experience who are most voluble about how poor they are are the couples with two handsome incomes and (to my mind) affluent lifestyle.
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Most people really struggling don’t want you to know how bad it is.
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No. Don’t want to open any mail that comes from the bank.
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You convey a great sense of desperation here.
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Thanks Linda.
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I’m lost in the oxymoron of “unnecessary but crucial” !
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There are many things we need for our spirit that we can get by without in a physical sense.
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Tis the season, season of pandemic, season of many many low days
Yet heavy our bones we must keep dancing
Kerfe thanks for dropping by to read mine
Much💖love
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Thanks Gillena. Yes dancing is key.
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a deep and disturbing insight into the low of lows … so glad you have picked up! Sadly this will resonate with so many over this past year.
Meditation and walking in nature keep me balanced but we need to find our own solutions 🙂
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Thanks Kate. We are all finding ways to survive.
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yes but connecting, sharing and caring here sure helps I’m sure
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It does.
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The angst is real in your prose piece …. well done.
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Thanks Helen.
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This is beautifully poignant and portrays that even when you are at your weakest point in life, you are a tiger! 💝💝💝 Shine on 🙂
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Thanks Sanaa.
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Kerfe,
Having read the comments below the post, I see that this was based upon your life. I’m glad that you’ve “bounced back”, and you should give yourself tremendous credit for being able to describe such darkness with such cutting specificity, even while in it. This was, as somebody else wrote, intense.
-David
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Thanks David. Its interesting that looking back at what I wrote during that time I have a much clearer picture of it now than I did then. I suppose that is often true. I am definitely in a much better place today.
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May the weight of the world lessen a bit… it does happen I think
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It does. Thanks Bjorn.
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Kerfe, I remember when you were struggling as you describe, and you have bounced back from it as reflected in your work. This compounded mess has put us all through more than anyone should have to go through. Look now, I think we are on the far side of it with vaccine being distributed and the orange traitor left on a jet plane. No matter what comes next, we’ve proven we can get through the worst.
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It does feel, if nothing else, like a dark cloud has been lifted. Of course I’ve so far been unsuccessful at getting a vaccine appointment. My friends who have managed it have retired husbands who spent days attached to the computer refreshing all the sign-up sites. That will not be me.
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Are you over 65? My friend called yesterday and gave me a # to call to get put on a list. I called and left vm but no callback. She called me today to see if I got in and she said call them again. I did and a live person answered. She registered me with their registry and said right now only age 75+ can get them, which is strange since my friend is 67…. I didn’t realize there was such a thing as sign up sites until today.
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They opened up over 65 two weeks ago here, but it’s not centralized. There are state sites, city sites, hospital sites, and also a few pharmacies that have it. You have to luck out to get an appointment though, and lots of people have had appointments cancelled. It’s a mess.
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I love how you describe feelings that are universal — just in varying degrees at different times for each of us.
Powerful. compelling. Moving.
Well done.
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Thanks Louise.
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The gravity of life can exhaust, but that’s life entirely. Your post is totally relatable because it is wild…
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Thanks!
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