Warnings

My emotional distances keep expanding.  They measure every room I enter, every landscape that passes through my eyes.  The center swims increasingly away from the edges of my being.  The gap is great and undefined.

Shadowshapes of figures frame the shore.  Hands cast their lines into my depths, searching for a reflection, fishing for a response to their repeated inquiries.

How long can I stay afloat?  The gravity of this world exhausts me. Sometimes the great bones of my life feel so heavy, so incomplete.  I have forgotten it–the one key to survival that is unnecessary but crucial.

I’m trying to recall the images that connect to my lingering feelings of kinship  The light flickers, attempts to enter, but my eyes refuse it.  They look sentient, but they are no longer open for business.  Closed, the sign says.  Can’t you read it?—“CLOSED”.

For the dVerse Prosery, Linda has selected a line from Mary Oliver: Sometimes the great bones of my life feel so heavy, from her poem “Spring Azures”.

52 thoughts on “Warnings

  1. This is such a deep but relatable piece, Kerfe. I know that vertiginous feeling when the ‘center swims increasingly away from the edges of my being’ and being exhausted by the gravity of this world.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Jane. When I wrote the original of this it was in the middle of lockdown–looking back, I must have been feeling much worse than even I remember it. There’s a whole series with a similar feel.

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                  1. All my adult life I’ve worried about money and the lack of it. I assumed I’d be over it but it’s just as bad. I don’t want to be told anymore that writing is its own reward. You have to be in a comfortable position to believe that.

                    Liked by 2 people

  2. a deep and disturbing insight into the low of lows … so glad you have picked up! Sadly this will resonate with so many over this past year.
    Meditation and walking in nature keep me balanced but we need to find our own solutions 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Kerfe,

    Having read the comments below the post, I see that this was based upon your life. I’m glad that you’ve “bounced back”, and you should give yourself tremendous credit for being able to describe such darkness with such cutting specificity, even while in it. This was, as somebody else wrote, intense.

    -David

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks David. Its interesting that looking back at what I wrote during that time I have a much clearer picture of it now than I did then. I suppose that is often true. I am definitely in a much better place today.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Kerfe, I remember when you were struggling as you describe, and you have bounced back from it as reflected in your work. This compounded mess has put us all through more than anyone should have to go through. Look now, I think we are on the far side of it with vaccine being distributed and the orange traitor left on a jet plane. No matter what comes next, we’ve proven we can get through the worst.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It does feel, if nothing else, like a dark cloud has been lifted. Of course I’ve so far been unsuccessful at getting a vaccine appointment. My friends who have managed it have retired husbands who spent days attached to the computer refreshing all the sign-up sites. That will not be me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Are you over 65? My friend called yesterday and gave me a # to call to get put on a list. I called and left vm but no callback. She called me today to see if I got in and she said call them again. I did and a live person answered. She registered me with their registry and said right now only age 75+ can get them, which is strange since my friend is 67…. I didn’t realize there was such a thing as sign up sites until today.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. They opened up over 65 two weeks ago here, but it’s not centralized. There are state sites, city sites, hospital sites, and also a few pharmacies that have it. You have to luck out to get an appointment though, and lots of people have had appointments cancelled. It’s a mess.

          Liked by 1 person

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